The Joker
by TheWildFool2011
Summary: Jeff "Joker" Moreau has told just about everyone why people call him Joker, there was also another reason that Joker would never mention to anyone. :Rated cuz of Jack and her mouth:
1. Crew Quaters Mayhem

The Joker

By TheWildFool2011

_**(I completely disown Mass Effect characters, story, & plot. I just make awkward stories that make people laugh.)**_

It was a pretty normal afternoon. The Normandy crew was on shore leave at the Citadel. It had seemed to be Shepard's favorite place ever since his famous quote _"I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store in the Citadel." _His quote and face was practically seen everywhere, on shirts, the news, kids birthday cakes, and not to mention people's tattoo's.

Joker and a few others decided to stay aboard the Normandy SR2. Along with him were Wrex, EDI, Jack, Grunt, Mordin and awkwardly enough Legion. They were all below deck in the Crews Quarters; mainly where Garrus dealt with his calibrations on the Normandy and Liara T'Soni's lab was located.

"Yeah so pretty much that's what I've been doing the past few months…" Jack said as she poked around at her plate of food.

"Eh, I can't really see you being nice to anyone Jack. Like seriously…I've gotten use to the girl who wanted to blow everything the fuck up…not a biotic's teacher girl…" Joker commented with a slightly awkward look on his face.

Jack use a small amount of her biotics to pull Joker's plate from under him, "What's that you say you smartass little fucker? Don't think I'll go easy on you cuz you got creeky legs asshole."

"Now that's the Jack I know!" Joker laughed slightly. Grunt stared at his plate of food and sniffed, "This stuff safe to eat…?"

Wrex slapped Grunt on the back as he laughed out loud, "Of course it's safe to eat. Human food seems to also have a good taste to it Urdnot Grunt." Grunt snorted and practically slammed his hands against the table, as he glared at the food.

"Stop acting like it's going to eat you Tadpole boy. And plus trust me I've tasted shit worse than the food on the Normandy, in all other means this is luxury." Jack said bluntly as she pushed the food over to Joker.

"Gah! Shut up women! I'm concentrating!" Grunt growled at Jack who flung some of her food at his face pissing him off even more.

"Tch, like fuck I am tadpole boy." Jack grinned as she was enjoying picking with the pure-blooded Krogan.

EDI surveyed everyone who was in the room, "I see none of you have changed much. Joker has mentioned many of you more than once, he seems to look at you all as good friends."

"Gahahaha! Good friends? Well I'll be damned, the Normandy pilot thinks of us all as friends. Well Joker you already know that Shepard and I are on good terms, it's only fair I be on good terms with all you humans aboard the Normandy." Wrex said slightly excited. His excitement had seemed to catch the others off guard.

Joker turned red in the face slightly, "I don't really speak that highly of them do I EDI?"

"Yes, Jeff you do."

"Hey sir talks-a-lot what have you been doing your spare _precious _time, eh?" Jack asked Mordin who had seemed to be stuck in thought that whole time.

Mordin looked at the others, "Oh well. Yes. I have been studying cures for the genophage. Commander Shepard has inspired me to right salarian wrongs. It is only fair I do my part in helping Krogan species. Many things went wrong. Salarians forced technology into Krogan life. Bad decision, of course genophage great idea at time. But it is only fair…I reverse Krogan's hatred against all species."

"So what you're saying is that you still never got that nice sunny vacation in, eh?" Joker said jokingly as he began laughing his ass off.

"Speaking of genophage cure…" Wrex turned his seemingly cold but normal gaze to the salarian scientist, "The female Krogan has shown to be correct once more. You, Mordin, are not like the other soft, squishy Salarians…your different. I like that." He smiled at Mordin, who also returned the favor.

"It was nothing. Just logical to fix Krogan problem, than to let generation of hate continue. It would be a never ending cycle. And Joker. Thank you, for reminding me about my vacation, don't have much time to live…might live life without fighting and war. Go somewhere sunny, a beach…collect sea shells or maybe just take on safe adventures."

"Eh, I was actually seeing you buying some huge ass place…eh ya know, cuz you're a scientist." Joker said with a hit of encouragement.

"Maybe, might think of that. You and Shepard, give many good idea's might use many of them but, might have to also shorten up time length of accomplishing these goals." Mordin smiled happily as he began brainstorming about which activities he would cut short.

Grunt tapped his fingers against the table almost shaking it, "Hmm, vacation? Sounds good but without guns and a shitload of fighting going on, you're too damn soft to me."

"Tadpole we all don't wanna fuck up everything we see in sight. Sometimes even a fucking smartass needs a vacation." Jack muttered under her breath and began eating.

"Hmph! You dare insult Krogans!" Grunt stood up glaring at Jack. Jack looked up at him and glared right back.

"I wasn't insulting the _Krogans _I was insulting _you_. You fucking large ass tadpole." Jack then crossed her arms against her chest as she smirked at Grunt.

"Jeff…" EDI questioned with worry.

"Huh? What's up EDI?" Joker placed his arm around EDI's shoulder. EDI looked over at Jack and Grunt, "There relationship…it is not as healthy as you made it seem."

Joker broke out into a sweating fit as he had the eyes of a Krogan and biotic convict burning holes into the side of his face.

"So what the fuck you say 'bout me? You fucking creeky legged military pilot shit boy." Jack cracked her knuckles as she glared at Joker, "Tch, you know what? Fuck it. You're not worth the damn energy or time. Anyway, switching topics anybody think that geth over there is listening on our convo's?"

Joker sighed in relief as Jack quickly gave up on wanting to throw his ass around the room. But his only problem left was Grunt who seemed displeased about everything that was going on around him today. Joker had decided that in order to save his own ass he'd jump into Jack's topic about Legion.

"Well….eheh uh he hasn't really caused any trouble since he came aboard and plus it's just temporary he said…or at least claims…" Joker looked around the room only to catch Grunt glaring at him still _**'Ah fuck me…I'm in some deep shit…'**_

"That's not what I asked you dumb son of a bitch. I said do you think that hunk of old shit is listening onto-" Jack was immediately interrupted as Legion looked over their direction.

"We listen to everything. We are always alert. It is what keeps us alive." Legion then turned back to fixing its rifle.

"Ehh…Shepard brings too much weird ass shit aboard." Jack mumbled to herself only to have Joker catch on.

Joker smirked at her, "Hah you could say that again Jack!" Jack glared at Joker as if she was about ready to throw him off the highest building on the Citadel.

"Aye, Joker!" a familiar deep Irish accent came from behind the group causing them to all turn around, "Do you know when Commander Shepard will be back on board?"

Joker scratched the back of his neck and then looked at EDI for help. "Commander Shepard will not be aboard the Normandy for at least another 2 hours, engineer Donnelly."

"Yeah, what EDI said…other than that what's the hurry Donnelly?" Joker rested his chin in the palm of his hand.

Donnelly scratched the back of his neck and smiled, "Ah, nothin' to important. I was actually hopin' you'd be sayin' somethin' like that, talk to you all some other time then!" he made his way quickly back to the elevator.

"Right anyway…anybody hear about Garrus's calibrations?"

Everyone but, EDI, looked annoyed. Jack tapped her fingers against the table mumbling under her breath, "Who doesn't hear about that damn turian's _calibrations_…"

"Eh…I think I just messed UP a few calibrations of his…" everyone turned their attention to see Kaidan, "Yeah…remind me when Garrus asks me to do him a favor and it deals with those damn calibrations…Joker tell me don't do it."

Joker smirked and snickered slightly, "The hell he ask you to do with those calibrations?"

"He asked me to check on them but…then something went wrong and…I don't think the guns are working straight anymore…" Kaidan brushed himself off and quickly made his way to the other side of the crew quarters and took the elevator up.

"Hahahaha, just gotta love Kaidan. Crazy when he wants to be, insanely intelligent also…though guns were never in his favor." Joker grumbled with the same smirk on his face. Jack threw her fork his way hitting him in the head, "Pfft, if he was smart then why would he have any doubt on Shepard, eh?"

"I say it's because, Shepard got involved with Illusive Man…with Cerberus. Not only just him getting involved in shady business, but with his _cheating death_ seemed to make many people think. Even those who saw him as a hero figure." Mordin grunt slightly.

"And still Shepard wounded up saving all their asses again, almost giving his damn life up for a galaxy filled with the most damn selfish people in the world." Mordin looked over at Wrex and nodded.

"I couldn't have agreed anymore." Mordin muttered quickly and then left his seat walking over to the medical bay room.

Legion also got up making his way to the medical bay room. Joker scratched the side of his face, "So…what should we do next?"

Jack got up from her seat and headed to the elevator, "Dunno 'bout you all but, I'm going to shift through Shepard's shit just for the hell of it and then head to the purgatory at the Citadel."

"Right….you would be one to do that Jack…" Joker smirked as Jack threw her middle finger up at him.

"Fuck you to pilot boy…fuck you." She stormed off to the elevator taking it up to the captain's cabin. Grunt stood up quickly and walked in the same direction Jack did, "Observation deck if you need me."

"Hmm…I'm going to the Citadel and cause a little trouble here and there…and bug the hell outta Shepard…" Wrex grinned mischievously as he walked off to the elevator.

The room had gone extremely silent. The only two left in the area was EDI and Joker. Joker saw this as an opportunity to get closer to EDI and he scooted himself closer to EDI.

"So…uh it's pretty quiet in here ain't it…?" Joker asked nervously with a small smile on his face. EDI nodded in agreement and laid her head on his shoulder, "Jeff…I have a question."

"Ask away EDI, I give the best damn answers out there and they always end up being the truth which is awkward…" Joker scratched the top of his head and laughed a little.

EDI lifted her head up and looked him in the face. Joker blinked and started to laugh again, "It's a joke EDI. But what's your question…I'm curious as to what it is and as to what might answer might be."

"I see…a joke…" EDI looked down, "Why do they call you Joker? I've wonder about this ever since we first talked….ever since we first met."

Joker tilted his head to the side, "I thought I told you the story before…the one where my pilot teachers and all my classmates asked me why I never smile and said I took things to seriously…damn if you could have seen them at graduation, guess who was smiling?" he lifted his thumb up pointing it at himself, "That's right this guy right here!"

"You have told me this before, but I feel that there is another reason for the name Joker…" Joker pouted and laid his head on EDI's shoulder, "I know EDI…well if you really need to know it wasn't just because, I never smiled but it was also cuz of my jokes. Heh, I was allowed to tell jokes without smiling and laughing my ass off."

EDI laid her head on top of his, "I see…thank you Joker."

"No problem EDI…no problem at all…and EDI?"

"Yes Joker?"

"Love ya…" Joker closed his eyes smiling, wishing that time would stop for him and EDI.

"I love you too Joker."

_**Author Note:**_

_**Well guys I hope you enjoyed that one-shot Fanfic. I particularly love it when Jack and Grunt are arguing…I found it very interesting. And Jack insulting Joker as he takes it as friendly compliments…so hilarious it only pissed Jack off even more. But as always readers thoughts about the story matters the most. Until next time peace out!**_

_**Forever Yours Truly, TheWildFool2011**_


	2. Just Funny Stuff, Enjoy!

The Joker

By TheWildFool2011

_**(I completely disown Mass Effect characters, story, & plot. I just make awkward stories that make people laugh.)**_

**Author Note:** _I post this because; I know you readers will love these funny quotes. So yeah, if you reviewed the last chapter, thank ya, other than that bye._

_**Funny Quotes from Mass Effect Trilogy**__**-**_

- "_I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel." ~Commander Shepard_

- "_Why is it when someone says 'with all due respect' they really mean 'kiss my ass'? ~Ashley Williams_

- "_Can it wait for a second...? I'm in the middle of some calibrations." ~Garrus Vakarian _

- "_Assuming Direct Control." ~Collector General_

- "_Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a bitch in space!"_

- "_I think we are going to need a bigger boot, Commander." ~Kaidan Alenko_

- "_Hello, dead people!" ~Jack_

- "_I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you- I'm getting a lot of bullshit on this line." ~Commander Shepard_

- "_Put more of the stuff in the... the thing more stuff goes in." ~Commander Shepard_

- "_Another dangerous alien aboard, Commander. Thanks. Why can't you collect coins or commemorative plates or something?" ~_ _Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau_

- "_A quarantine zone for a plague that kills turians. Why don't we ever go anywhere nice? "~Garrus Vakarian_

- "_We do not comprehend the organic fascination of self-poisoning, auditory damage and sexually transmitted disease." ~Legion_

- "_We're off to kick the Collectors right in their daddy-bags." ~Engineer Kenneth Donnelly_

- "_Either you pay me or I flay you alive... with my mind." ~Dr. Liara T'Soni_

- "_I'll relinquish one bullet. Where do you want it?" ~Commander Shepard_

_**Funny Conversation's from Mass Effect Trilogy**__**-**_

_**- Garrus Vakarian v. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy**_

_Garrus Vakarian: Do you ever miss those talks we had on the elevators? _

_Tali'Zorah: No. _

_Garrus Vakarian: Come on. Remember how we'd always ask you about life on the flotilla? It was an opportunity to share!_

_Tali'Zorah: This conversation is over. _

_Garrus Vakarian: Tell me again about your immune system. _

_Tali'Zorah: I have a shotgun. _

_Garrus Vakarian: Mmmmaybe we'll talk later._

_**- Commander Shepard w/ Tali'Zorah and Sick Krogan**_

_Commander Shepard: If you want to help Urdnot you'd need to get back there. But It would take a real bad-ass to make it back while injured._

_Sick Krogran: I can do it. _

_Commander Shepard: You! I said a bad-ass not some scout whining like a quarian with a tummy-ache._

_Tali'Zorah: I'm standing right here!_

_**- Commander Shepard v. Garrus Vakarian**_

_Commander Shepard: [discussing 'sparring'] So when should I book the room? _

_Garrus Vakarian: I'd wait if you're OK with it. Disrupt the crew a little as possible. Take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm. You know me, always like to savor that last shot before popping the heatsink._

_[Shepard gives Garrus a knowing smirk] _

_Garrus Vakarian: Wait... that metaphor just went somewhere horrible._

_**- EDI v. Jeff "Joker" Moreau**_

_Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: [after giving EDI control of the ship] Argh! You want me to go crawling through the ducts again._

_EDI: I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees. _

_EDI: [Upon seeing Joker with a worried expression on his face] That is a joke. _

_Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Right._

_**- Commander Shepard v. Jeff "Joker" Moreau**_

_Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: It'll be better than the old days... You'll see!_

_Commander Shepard: I hope so... I died! _

_Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Geez, you're such a downer!_

_**- Daniels v. Donnelly**_

_Engineer Gabriella Daniels: I've got green across the board. The forward tanks are bouyant and elevated._

_Kenneth Donnelly: Are you talking about the Normandy, or Miranda? _

_Engineer Gabriella Daniels: I'm talking about the one that's covered and protected, not bouncing in the breeze._

_Kenneth Donnelly: I don't know. Officer Lawson's uniform is very official. It always makes me stand at attention._

_Engineer Gabriella Daniels: You're such a dog._

_Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Kenneth and I have been partners in crime since we graduated from tech academy. When he got the Cerberus offer, I insisted that it include me. He'd fall apart without me._

_Kenneth Donnelly: Thanks, mum._

_**- Gunnery Chief v. Servicemen Burnside & Chung**_

_Gunnery Chief: [as the character enters the Citadel] This, recruits, is a 20-kilo ferris slug, feel the weight. Every five seconds, the main gun of an Everest class dreadnought accelerates one to 1.3% of light-speed. It impacts with the force of a 38-kiloton bomb. That is three times the yield of the city-buster dropped on Hiroshima back on Earth. That means- Sir Issac Newton is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space. Now! Serviceman Burnside! What is Newton's first law?_

_Serviceman Burnside: Sir! An object in motion stays in motion, sir! _

_Gunnery Chief: No credit for partial answers, maggot! _

_Serviceman Burnside: Sir! Unless acted on by an outside force, sir! _

_Gunnery Chief: Damn straight! I dare to assume you ignorant jackasses know that space is empty. Once you fire this hunk of metal, it keeps going til it hits something. That can be a ship. Or the planet behind that ship. It might go off into deep space and hit somebody else in ten thousand years. If you pull the trigger on this, you are ruining someone's day, somewhere and sometime. That is why you check your targets. That is why you wait for the computer to give you a damn firing solution. That is why, Serviceman Chung, we do not "eyeball it". This is a weapon of mass destruction. You are not a cowboy shooting from the hip!_

_Serviceman Chung: Sir, yes sir!_


End file.
